Wigging Out

[fersakyn]

One is scheduled for tomorrow, Tuesday, and one for the next day, Wednesday. They're with two Taiwanese universities, one private and one public. The first interview set up was kinda rude; they didn't even offer me a choice of times. It was just, "Here is the time." The end. Plus, it wasn't even much notice. Both universities notified me just Thursday last week. Less than a week to prepare! And the rude one also wants a 20-minute presentation. Ergh.

I had to download and install Skype, then jack my mom's webcam and install the software. I'm working on cutting down one of my diss chapters into a 20-minute presentation (approximately 10-12 pages from 44 pages!!!). I'm totally wigging out.

I sleep, and but I never feel rested when I wake up. A couple of afternoons since the email notice, I've actually felt dizzy, which I attribute to the non-restful sleep. Then, I have developed intermittent stress-related rashes. How do I know they're stress-related? Because they have nothing to do with what I eat (if it was a food allergy, I'd blow up like a balloon or have a FULL body rash), with what I wear (again FULL body rash), or with what I put on my skin (yet again FULL body rash) -- but instead it's localized on my neck/collarbone area and my right upper arm. Not sure why those particular places, but hey, at least it's not a full-body rash, eh? I get anxious, and the scratching commences. Often, I don't even notice I'm scratching right away. I need to stop.

I had a wonderful mother-daughter moment Sunday evening when I was trying to get a hold of my stepcousin who works in the mechanical engineering department of a public university in Taichung. My mom was all about calling up Ann's mother (her friend) who's a teacher in Taiwan. I wanted to call Thomas (my stepcousin) since he has insider knowledge. Then my mom has the gall to take me to task, saying why do I need to call him when Ann's mother will provide better information, and I'll only end up getting the wrong idea or something, failing my interviews, and letting everyone know with calling Thomas. Yeah, logical it's not. Helpful, for damn sure not.

Moments like those, I can't help wondering: can she even hear herself talking? She's willfully sabotaging my interviews. Why? So that she can be right? Did I even say that I wouldn't listen to Ann's mother? No. I just wanted to talk to Thomas. I never said I wouldn't talk to my mom's friend. It's like she has to sabotage everything I do. And she wonders why I never want to talk to her, why I just stare at her when she asks about my job hunt, why I only discuss the most inane things with her.

I don't want to hear anymore that "she's only trying to help," and that "she doesn't really know how hurtful she's being," etc. That's not helpful either. When it's willfully dysfunctional and just cruel, there's really no way to mitigate or excuse that behavior without enabling it. I don't want to hear any enabling bullshit. All that does is make me feel worse. What, I need to excuse my mother's cruelty and thoughtlessness just because she's my mother? Just because it's verbal doesn't mean it isn't abusive.